Mother Lover
by BeGodlyBeLynn
Summary: Kaidan and Shepard, after a wild night that neither can remember, realize that they almost missed Mother's Day. Fearing the reprisal of their respective moms, they resort to drastic measures to keep them satisfied. Ch. 2: Ash and Liara.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I watched the "Motherlover" video from Lonely Island on YouTube. It inspired me.**

The buzzer shrieked as the door slowly opened, allowing Shepard and Kaidan to walk though. They were both scowling, hung over, and pissed. The last of their possessions were stuffed into their hands by a surly C-Sec agent—two gift-wrapped boxes with a circular hole in them—and they found themselves outside, back in the open Citadel air and freedom.

For the life of him, Commander Andy Shepard could not remember what had gotten them into the detention center in the first place. He could vaguely recall something about terrified patrons and a "dick in a box," but not much more than that. Kaidan's recollection of the events was even hazier. They agreed not to talk about it, and Shepard made a private vow to never tell Miranda what happened.

Kaidan's omni-tool pinged and he looked down. Liam watched his expression turn from disgruntled to surprised to…a little bit of panic.

"Oh damn," he said.

"What is it, dawg?" Shepard asked, a little concerned.

He looked up. "I forgot, it's Mother's Day!"

"Didn't get a gift for her," Andy realized.

"Other plans got in the way," Kaidan agreed. "She'll be so disappointed."

"Damn, I forgot it too," Shepard said, thinking of his mother.

"This could have been avoided."

They turned back to each other. In unison, they demanded, "What the hell are we going to do?"

_The scene changes. Andy and Kaidan are standing on the Presidium, looking over the bridge_.

Kaidan Alenko: My mom's been so forlorn ever since my daddy left.

Andy Shepard: Cold.

Kaidan Alenko: No one to hold her tight. Life has put her to the test.

Andy Shepard: I know just what you mean, my mom's been so sad and gray.

Kaidan Alenko: Word.

Andy Shepard: My dad can't satisfy her in the bedroom ever since he passed away.

Both: Hold up!

Andy Shepard: You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?

Kaidan Alenko: I'm thinkin' I'm thinkin' too.

Both: Slow up!

Andy Shepard: What time is it dawg?

Kaidan Alenko: It's time for a switcharoo

Both: We both love our moms, women with grown women needs  
>I say we break em off<br>Show em how much they really mean  
>Cause...<p>

_Shepard and Kaidan broke into song._

Both:I'm a Mother Lover  
>You're a Mother Lover<br>We should fuck each others' mothers  
>Fuck each others' moms<br>Pushin' that place that you came out as a baby  
>Ain't no doubt that shit is crazy<br>Fuckin' each others' moms

Cause every Mothers Day needs a Mothers Night  
>If doing it is wrong, I don't wanna be right<br>I'm callin' on you cause I can't do it myself  
>To me you're like a brother, so be my mother lover<p>

Andy Shepard: I'm layin' in the cut waitin' for your mom clutchin' on this lube and roses

Kaidan Alenko: I got my digital camera, I'm gonna make your momma do a million poses

Andy Shepard: They will be so surprised

Kaidan Alenko: We are so cool and thoughtful

Andy Shepard: Can't wait to pork your mom

Kaidan Alenko: I'm gonna be the syrup, she can be my waffle

Both: Sho nuff!

Kaidan Alenko: My mother loves bubble bath with chamomile

Both: Straight up!

Andy Shepard: Give it to my mom d - d- d - d- d - d - doggystyle

Kaidan Alenko: This the perfect plan

Andy Shepard: For a perfect Mothers Day

Kaidan Alenko: They have to rename this one

Both: All up under the covers day

"BREAK IT DOWN!" Shepard bellowed. He turned to Kaidan and they faced each other, nose to nose.

Andy Shepard: It would be my honor to be your new stepfather.

Kaidan Alenko: It would be my honor to be your new stepfather

Shepard: While you're in my mother make me another brother…and when I'm your mother I'll never use a rubber!

Kaidan: OH!

Both: Cause every Mothers Day needs a Mothers Night  
>If doing it is wrong, I don't wanna be right<br>I'm callin on you cause I can't do it myself  
>To me you're like a brother, so be my mother lover<br>They blessed us both with the gift of life  
>She brought you in this world so Imma sex her right<br>This is the second best idea that we've ever had  
>The choice can be no other<br>Be my mother lover

Anderson watched from the human embassy as Shepard and Alenko roared and embraced each other in a brohug. He shook his head, wondering. What sort of people were enlisting with the Alliance these days?

"Udina," he said wearily, "I need another drink."

* * *

><p><strong>SSV ORIZABA<strong>

"Commander Alenko," Captain Hannah Shepard purred. "I'm so glad you came."

Kaidan grinned. "It's my pleasure, Captain."

"Please." She ran a hand down his cheek. "Hannah to you, sweetie."

"Hannah, then." He grinned. "Should we finish this tour?"

"Sure." She gave him a sultry stare. "Let me show you my quarters."

Kaidan followed her, swinging the camera from his hand. "I like where _this_ is going."

Andy Shepard stepped off the shuttle to find Kaidan already waiting for him at the gate. He strode over to him, ecstatic. They stood nose to nose.

"Your mom says hi," they said in unison. "JINX!"

**A/N: Next chapter: They weren't the first to come up with this idea.**_**  
><strong>_


	2. Chapter 2

Liara burst into the storage room, breathless. She caught sight of Ashley and dashed over to her.

"Ashley!" she cried. "You know what day it is? I'm dead!"

Ash turned around in alarm. "What's up, Liara?"

"It's Mother's day!" griped Liara. "It's Mother's day, and I didn't get my mom anything!"

"DAMMIT!" cried Ash, remembering. "Neither did I!"

"Other plans got in the way," Liara agreed.

"What the hell are we going to do?"

Liara's eyes lit up. "Wait!" she exclaimed. "We're going to Noveria, right?"

"Well, yeah," Ash said doubtfully. "Why?"

* * *

><p>"Do you know what it's like to be a mother, Ashley?" asked Benezia. She drew a finger under Ash's chin. "To make a life…to shape it…there's really a stark beauty to it."<p>

"Why are you telling me this?" Ash asked.

"What? Oh. I'm practicing for when Shepard gets here," the Matriarch explained. "Liara says you're here for more than to just scout out the turf."

"It's Mother's day, Benezia," the human said, her mouth dry. "I'm here to give you something special."

"Are you, now?" she teased Ashley.

"Yeah," she replied. She held up a small green bottle. "I hear you like chamomile."

* * *

><p>Liara picked up one of the silver-wrapped boxes, examining the circular hole in the side, and felt a pang of regret. "Too bad we can't put these to good use," she sighed.<p>

* * *

><p>Andy Shepard looked on in speechless shock as Liara finished her story. His mouth opened and closed a couple of times before he managed to find his words.<p>

"You mean—"

"Yeah. Ash and I came up with that first."

"What—"

"Yeah, Shepard. We beat you to it."

"NO!" cried Andy, furious. "This is retarded! Ashley's a pile of radioactive ash on Virmire!"

"But I'm still alive," countered Liara. "And I've got an army of asari spokeswomen at my command! You're under the thumb of copyright laws, Andy!"

"No, I'm not!" he bellowed. "I'm Commander FUCKING Shepard! The idea is mine, mine, MINE!"

Liara arched a faux eyebrow. "You're a Commander fucking a shepherd? Why would you do that?"

Andy Shepard facepalmed. "Liara, seriously, stop bullshitting me. You did not fuck Ashley's mom."

"Actually, I kind of did."

"And Ashley…Benezia…they…"

"Yeah."

He gaped like a beached fish and made a noise similar to a krogan who'd had helium for lunch and gotten constipated. "No," he choked. "My originality! Where has it gone?"

"It got left behind on Virmire when you decided to rip of Star Wars," Liara answered. "Sorry, Shepard. It was never that original to begin with."

"LIES!" shrieked Shepard. He pounced on Liara and strangled her to death.

* * *

><p>The Shadow Broker looked on in approval as Andy Shepard walked away from Liara T'Soni's lifeless body.<p>

"Looks like Shepard did your job for you, Nyxeris," he said. "Your job is done. You can come on back now."


End file.
